Here’s a silly story I had made up to annoy my pal Annie! And boy did it work! This story includes many of my friends; I've of course given them new names! One of my “inspired” short stories, and this time, the inspiration is good ole BOLLYWOOD! I now present to you, in TECHNICOLOR, my latest offering:
Once upon a time, there was a guy called Mannu. He was a resident of the Prem Nivas Housing Society. He was a happy-go-lucky bachelor, without a care in the world. One day as he was going around his usual business of doing lukhagiri and singing, “It’s my life!” (Bon Jovi) he suddenly came across Annie. She was a vision in pink, her graceful body framed in sunlight. Our happy-go-lucky bachelor fell for her like a ton of bricks. He was in love! He had to have her at any cost. So he tried serenading her by singing, “Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can’t help falling in love with you.” (UB40 version). Annie was impervious to this declaration of love, pronounced him a “fool” and swept past him.
At his wits end, he went to her on bended knees and haath jodke begged, “Kaho na pyar hai.” Annie saw red and kicked him where it hurts most (Now, now, are we thinking of naughty things? I meant his heart!).
Poor, poor Mannu! It was in this haalat that Preeta, the ‘lovely assistant’ of the world-renowned heart psychoanalyst, Dr. Raji George, found him sitting in a corner, holding his dil and staring numbly into space. She lifted him up gently and brought him to Dr. George. At first he was too dazed to say anything and he just sat there looking into space for an hour (Good for the doctor. She charges Rs. 100 per half an hour!).
He slowly started opening up to her. He said, “Apun bola, tu meri laila, woh boli phekta hai saala, apun jab bhi sachchi bolta, usko jhut kaiko lagta hai?” (Josh).
After listening to this tirade, the good doctor tried to soothe and pacify him. She said, “Yeh uska style hoyga, hothon pe na, dil mein haan hoyga. Aaj nahin to kal bolegi, tu tension kaiko leta re?”
After buoying up his spirits she gave him the following advice:
i. Usko bula, hotel mein khaana khila.
ii. Samundar kinare le jaake, bolde khullam khulla.
iii. Ghar se bhagake le jaa, smajhegi teri baat ko (Josh).
Armed with Dr. George’s advice and Preeta’s ‘never say die’ spirit, our hero set out once again to woo his ‘fair and lovely’ maiden. He tried all of the good doctor’s tactics and slowly, but surely, Annie’s hard as stone heart began to melt as if it was made of wax.
One day, all the residents of Prem Nivas had gone out for a picnic, except for Annie, who had by now realised that she had fallen hook, line and sinker for Mannu. So she danced and twirled through Prem Nivas’ silent corridors singing, “I’m in love! Na, na karte pyar hay main kar gayi, kar gayi, kar gayi” (Dhadkan). At that very moment, Mannu came back into Prem Nivas and saw Annie singing. He was over-over-over-joyed to see his Annie singing in her mellifluous voice. He started singing, “From this moment, life has begun, from this moment you are the one…” (Shania Twain). Annie blushed and both of them made saath jeene marne ki kasme and sang, “I want to spend my life time loving you” (Marc Anthony).
Things looked very rosy for the cozy two-some, when suddenly, a twist occurred in our lovers’ story in the form of Shari, a dancer. She came to Prem Nivas, took one look at Mannu and was determined to make him hers.
One day all the residents of Prem Nivas had gone to the local temple for a pooja, but Mannu decided to stay back as he had a sore throat, even after Annie tried coaxing him to come with her. Shari was no dimwit (ok, she was slightly dimwitted!), and seized this opportunity. She sashayed up to Mannu and began to perform a sexy cabaret for him and sang, “I’m a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the right way” (Christina Aguilera). Mannu stared at the lovely Shari, mesmerized.
Just at that very moment, Annie after having asked God for a long life to be bestowed upon her sweetheart, walked into his room. When she saw what was happening, she saw red (she does a lot of that, doesn’t she?!) and screamed at him, “how dare you look at another girl, however better her vital statistics are than mine? You will have to choose between her and me.” Mannu did not hear a single word his Annie had said. So she threw the ring, which he had given to her so pyar se as their pyar ki nishani and stalked off.
Mannu, momentarily swayed by Shari’s charms, forgot about his darling Annie. The only thing he could do was sing, “I can’t get enough” (Raghav). But soon, he started recalling all the stimulating conversations that he had had with his Annie and began to miss her sorely. The only thing Shari and he spoke about (when they did speak) was how Shari was the most beautiful girl in the world (“I’m more beautiful than Aishwarya Rai, no?”) and how cool her latest shade of nail polish was (“Papaya Sunlight” is the colour to spot this season!”).
All this was really, really boring to Mannu and he thought that he could not pretend to be interested in such ‘frivolous’ conversations any longer. So head bent, he made his way to Annie to beg her for her forgiveness. But all he got for his trouble was the door slammed in his face, and as a result of that, a broken nose (“Ouch!”).
All our lead players were extremely depressed now. Annie sang, “Nahin hona tha” (Pardes). Mannu sang, “Mera yaar mila de saiyan” (Saathiya). And Shari, in an attempt to seduce him again sang, “Dekhle, Aankhon mein aankhen dal seekhle” (Munnabhai MBBS), but to no avail. She was very pained to see Mannu look like a ‘Devdas’ (“What would people say if they saw such a roti surat with a beautiful girl?”). And so, she went to Annie and convinced her that Mannu loved only her and no one else. And due to this great sacrifice of the vamp-with-a-golden-heart, the two lovebirds were reunited.
After tears of joy were wept, Mannu and his beloved Annie walked into the crimson sunset singing, “Tum mile, dil khila, or jeene se kya chahiye” (Criminal).
On the other hand, poor Shari walked into the darkness, wiping a stray tear or two. Even though Mannu didn’t know much about nail polishes and designer-wear, he had been a good and patient listener to Shari’s prattle.
She walked on silently and suddenly collided head-on with a wall. The ‘wall’ said, “Oops!” The ‘wall’ was a guy – a strapping, muscular guy! Shari knew it all of a sudden that this was it! This was the guy made especially for her, her dream guy! The ‘dream boat’ said, “Hi! I’m Karan.” “Charmed I’m sure! I’m Shari.” And she started singing, “Hello! Is it me you’re looking for..?” (Lionel Richie).
Karan was surprised and pleased at once, something clicked in his muscle-bound head and his cardiac muscles went ‘lub dub’ and he replied, “I’ll be your hero baby, I’ll kiss away your pain” (Enrique Iglesias).
Last heard, they were having a stimulating conversation on the lines of, “Oh! What a lovely shade of lipstick!” “Oh wow! I can feel another muscle bulge forming already!”
And so, everyone lived happily ever after, as one big happy family singing, no, not, “Hum saath saath hai”, but “It’s the time to disco!” (KHNH).